I don’t know, what is the secret of great comedy?..
Great comedy can’t smell, it’s got no nose!
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
A guy shows up late for work, and his boss says “Hey! You should have been here at 8:30!” and the guy says “Why? What happened at 8:30?”.
“Kids Writes Jokes” is an excellent twitter account that posts rejected submissions from a kids jokes site. The best are ones where the kid has forgotten part of the joke and made something up to fill in the gaps. Which can result in absolute gems:
Why can’t Cinderella play football?
She is posh
Why did the baby cross the road?
how can she cross the road she can’t even walk
What did the toliet say to the robot?
I DONT KNOW I WASNT THERE WAS I !!!
Why cant you hear a dinosaur when it is in the bathroom?
because it is silent
Why did the one eye dinosaur have one eye?
because he had one eye
What do you call a banana with no eyes?
Using his keen snail-recognition talent that few people possess!
Where does an orchestra live?
In a flat.
That has already been done here twice (actually, more than twice if you include the Funkmaster, which is fine! It’s a funny joke!)
And back in April 2018:
(Click back up for that, @FunkJem did it in several languages).
That joke was the pits.
Why are ripe tomatoes so knowledgeable?
Why are unripe tomatoes so jealous?
Ripe tomatoes have more expensive cars.
Why did the dinosaur have one eye?
Because that’s how you spell “dinosaur”.
(Wondering if this was supposed to be the joke?)
Good memory. But mine is an anti-joke.
No, it was actually a joke. It was funny!
An anti-joke is:
There were three penguins sitting in a tub, taking a bath. The one in front asks the one in back to pass him the soap. The one in back says, “What do you think I am, a typewriter?”
EDIT: the first time I heard this was in grade school, from “my friend” Mark. It puzzled me for hours, until he told me that it wasn’t supposed to make any kind of sense at all. Now that I’m an adult, and there is this amazing invention called “the interwebs,” I found out this “joke” is older than I thought it was. And that there are more lurking out there.
If I ever see Mark again, I’m gonna punch him right in the redacted.
I was so sure that was going to say typewriter.
PM me if you want to know what I was going to say. Children use this website sometimes, I can’t just leave a word like that lying around.
Be careful. Some people have had their redacted removed!
If smoking marijuana cause short term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?
(Exhales): Yeah. Wait, what?
“Are you a cop?”
“Yes. Obviously. How high are you?”
“No, I think you mean, ‘Hi! How are you?’”
(rest of conversation not recorded)
“I’ve been trying out this new vape pen today.”
“Dude, I forgot what I was saying.”
Cop: “How high are you?”