A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
Why do skeletons love jokes about elbows?
Elbows are just funny.
Today marked the end of the court case against Marlon Jacob, the killer who the newspapers dubbed “The Santa Sleigher”. Leaving a trail of terror and Mall Santas in his wake, Jacob’s rampage last Christmas Eve transformed the season of giving into a horror show that none of us will ever forget. Under cross-examination, Mr Jacob’s tragic past was revealed to the jury.
As a young child on his way to the annual seasonal festivities with his parents, Jacob was orphaned when a Christmas Parade Santa, late for the parade and driving too fast, lost control in the icy conditions and crashed headlong into the Jacob’s car. From that moment onwards, Jacob’s life was plagued by misery at every Christmas. At school he was bullied and thrown into holly bushes. His beloved dog, Tiny, died after eating tinsel from a neighbour’s Christmas decorations. Whilst trying his brand new ice-skates on the frozen lake one Christmas morning, the ice cracked and he fell into the freezing water. His foster father immediately dove into the lake and managed to save him, but was unable to climb out of the water himself, and young Jacob could only watch as he disappeared beneath the ice. Sent to a new home, Jacob learned that his new foster father was an abusive alcoholic who managed to hold a local Mall Santa position every year. Each evening in the days leading up to Christmas, he would arrive home drunk, and beat Jacob whilst howling carols at him. After years of abuse, Jacob escaped home, and fell in love with a nice girl named Lucy. Lucy loved Christmas, and so she was sad that Marlon didn’t seem to feel the same way, but he kept all his anguish bottled up so deep inside himself that Lucy never knew why. He loved Lucy so much, though, that on their third Christmas together he agreed to go with her to the big parade that year. Lucy was excited and hired costumes for both of them – a bright green elf suit for him with jingling bells, and herself dressed as a ribbon-tied Christmas gift box. Lucy was the happiest she had ever been, as they walked hand in hand through the parade beneath the centrepiece of the town’s decorations – a gigantic Christmas tree covered in lights and massive coloured baubles. Just as they reached the tree they were stopped in their tracks by a loud cracking sound – one of the tree’s supports was weak and had splintered under the strain. The structure shuddered and there was a cry of alarm from the crowd. Looking upwards, Lucy saw the tree lurch and the enormous star atop it dip, and then plummet towards them. She screamed and pushed Marlon out of the way, and he could only watch helplessly, his elf bells jingling in despair, as Lucy was crushed by the falling star. As she hit the ground with a sickening thud, the blood began to spill from her gift-wrapping and spread across the dirty white snow, with the joyous sounds of Christmas carols ringing out all around…
Confined to an institution for years, most of the town had forgotten all about Marlon Jacob – until last Christmas Eve, when he returned and embarked upon his murderous retribution.
Summing up the case, the judge said that, whilst condemning the man’s brutal actions in no uncertain terms, he was compelled to reduce Mr Jacob’s sentence on the basis of extreme-yule-hating circumstances.
I may have spent too long thinking about this but…
Many years ago, in the lawless deserts of the wild west, there was a notorious group of bandits called the “Asp-Lee gang”. Gun point robberies, jail breaks, train-derailings; they did it all and more.
Their rap-sheet was so long that a special holster was needed to carry it. Whole towns disappeared at the merest whisper of their presence. It was said that their bounty, had anyone been able to claim it, would have bankrupted whichever state tried to pay it.
Now the gang was small, just three people: Rick, the leader; Vernon “Ver” Jones, a deadly sharpshooter; and Jane “Greave” Greef, the muscle.
Their rein of terror was short: just 3 years. They made their reputation, they made their money then the disappeared. No one knows why they stopped or where they went, but the closest they ever got to losing it all was on their final job.
They’d hatched a daring plan to rob bank in broad daylight the day that the bullion was being collected. Security was tight, every door was guarded and the roofs bristled with long-guns. The street was cleared as the armoured wagon was hitched up to take tons of gold to the waiting express train.
The Asp-Lee gang had laid their plans carefully though. They’d set a trap that would slow the bullion wagon just enough to board it where the road narrowed near the edge of town.
Striking quickly they relied on the huge number of guards to shield them as they jumped on the wagon and overpowered the driver. It went perfectly, almost. Unbeknown to the gang the driver an old flame of Vernon’s when it came to take her out he couldn’t.
Before it could all go wrong Rick pushed Vernon down to deal with the unlucky driver, yelling as he did:
“Kneel ver, gun 'er! Greave yur up!”
This forum needs, in addition to the , a “groan and boo” button
I had to work at this for two whole minutes before I understood where you were going with it.
But if you could only apply one to that post,we both know it’d be the heart.
In other news, the following has been doing the rounds on Facebook, so I thought I’d share it here and take all the credit.
I’ve got an old retired friend, who’s chief hobby is gardening. Spends all his time taking care of his garden, and his crowning achievement are his roses. If you let him, all he’ll talk about are his roses, and the one rose missing from his collection: the Rosa “Ingred Bergman”. Apparently a very rare but beautiful rose.
In any case we catch up one day, and apparently he’s seen it advertised, the Ingred Bergman, for sale at a local nursery. Now he’s been saving for this day, but his cars at the mechanics, so he’s begging me for a lift out there. Knowing how important this is to him, I can’t say no. So off we go.
Once we arrive he’s run off into the shop before the car stops moving, all very excited. However, when he returns it’s clear something is wrong. His shoulders are slumped, and more importantly he doesn’t have his rose, so I ask what’s wrong. He replies, nearly in tears, “I’m too late, they haven’t botany.”
You’re all welcome.
That’s when you’ll realise it’s time to get the banned back together.
That would be this:
That’s a whole 120s more than it deserved : )
How could anyone stoop so low to pickpocket a dwarf?
(Sorry everyone, it’s D&D night, I had to put this in.)
Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me the following questions,
‘Are you familiar with the letters HB’?
I said, ‘No I’m not’
‘How about LS’?
‘What about JD’?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something’?
They said, No… these are just initial enquiries’
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian Calendar.
This is an alleged true story told by my colleague.
I was in the queue in Lidl, and the guy in front had just put through a whole conveyor belt of shopping. Just as the cashier was about to tell him how much he had to pay, he said “What’s the make of that shampoo?” “Pantene”, she replied. “Thanks very much!” he said, and handed her the right amount of change.
I invented this joke when I was 8, launching a long career of being a smart alec:
What do you call an anteater with a machine gun? An Armedillo.
My favorite of that genre though is:
What do you get if you cross a duck with a cat? A duck filled fatty puss.
This is ancient, I’m surprised it hasn’t been here before:
Answer: Sis boom bah
Question: Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes
How do cows integrate?
How do owls solve linear equations?
How do giraffes plot equations?
They draw them on giraffe paper.
Why don’t polecats need parentheses?
They use poleish notation.
Why do gnus have such different maths skills?
They were taught the gnu mathematics.
What’s the most dangerous side of a triangle?
How do moles speed up repetitive addition?
What do you call a quadrilateral sheep?
How does an ibex describe compounding growth?
It uses the ibexponential function.
How do cats recognise right angles?
Why do ants only use whole numbers?
Because they prefer antegers.
How do dolphins predict where all the other dolphins will be?
Using podability theory.
How do chickens represent sets?
With a henn diagram.
@Phil. Terrible, truly terrible. I love them and will use them for the next few days…
What is the most common four sided shape in the sea?