Oh good grief… also a repeat!
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book
the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
I know, my friend. This thing is way older than I thought it would ever be when I started it. I’m constantly shocked when I remember that a specific joke was told here years ago, I think there’s something wrong with me sometimes.
EDIT: Oh, crap, I think I’m like that pre-school teacher who somehow can remember their 4-year-old student after 30 years! Holy sh-t, am I going to remember all these jokes when I’m 80?
Finally! I would like to thank all the little jokes that made this possible. I’d like to thank God and other imaginary friends that don’t exist for the strength to carry on, and to all the people who said I would never be funny enough to get an official ban, I’d just like to say: Suck it!
On a semi-related note: one of my favourite things to ask Catholics is whether they believe in Transubstantiation as a literal thing (as in the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Christ). As a general rule, they do (I mean, that is kinda key to being considered Catholic, after all).
And then ask if their church serves gluten-free crackers for the Transubstantiation… and then just stare at them for a moment with a half-smile.
Have I mentioned I’m a jerk? Yeah. I’m a jerk.
I always knew you were a jerk. That’s why I finally banned you.
Also, I was raised Catholic, (currently atheist, and I blame the amazing, wonderful education I got in a parochial school for teaching me reason and logic, not to mention all the other stuff). The body and blood of Christ tastes like stale crackers and a decent table wine, in my experience.
I was a horrible altar boy. I always knew how to get to the wine (and everything else, really) after they locked it up.
I have to say now, to everyone here:
If we tease your religion, that’s all we’re doing. Just teasing. We (and, I’d have to say, I personally feel strongly about this) accept that we may have different faiths, and we respect them.
I feel like I should remind everyone: religion, sports, and politics should be in the Thunderdome, at least for this thread. I know, I lapsed above, it was about personal experience, I wasn’t trying to criticize. I know Marx was jesting as well.
The thing is, aside from pedantic arguments about grammar, those are the topics that get the most heat and anger. (Besides, what’s with all these Zoroastrians, amiright?? no no no MinuteWalt…stop)
I saw a little girl crying today…I felt so bad I walked over to her and knelt down and asked “Are you okay, do you know where your mommy and daddy are?” Through her tears she replied with “No, I don’t.”
I love volunteering at the orphanage.
I bought a new thesaurus today and when I got home, I discovered that all of the pages are blank. I’m at a loss for words to describe how angry, disappointed, and angry I am.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
The last three posters are Banned! Those were terrible and made me laugh against my will.
Well, except for @SleepyWill, we can’t seem to get rid of him .
Well… As far as I’m concerned, we can shut down the Internet now… It doesn’t get better than that. Goodbye forever, everyone!
Since it’s all over, now, I have to tell you there was a joke above (I won’t tell you who posted it) that made me laugh my ass off, some time ago.
It was OK though, it was an amicable trial separation, we needed a little break from each other.
Once we sat back down together, again, everything was all right.
A man and his ass are soon parted.
Um . . . that doesn’t sound good in all sorts of ways.
I am, myself, perversely happy that that’s my own original joke (as far as I know).
There were three rather deaf old ladies walking down the road. The first one said “It’s windy today”. The second one said “No it’s not, it’s Thursday.” The third one said “So am I, let’s go and have a cup of tea.”
Who else scrolls up to mine the lost treasures we’ve buried here? This one is from 2017.
Who else wants to mine for jokes? We have over 4 years of them, ripe for the taking!
There’s an (actual) restaurant, not far from where I work, where the one and only choice you have as a diner is whether you want 5 courses or 7 (with the 5 being a particular subset of the 7). At the bottom of the menu is the quote:
“You’ll eat what you’re bloody well given.” – Mum
Today’s blast from the past is Oct '16. Here’s my version, which may or may not have been posted as well.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no effing eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no genitals, and no skin?