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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


An English doctor is seconded to Glasgow Royal Infirmary, and is shown around by his new boss. They visit all the wards in turn, paediatrics, A&E, etc. The final stop is a long room filled with people sitting up in their beds shouting phrases that the English doctor can’t initially decipher.

Finally he catches a brief snippet from the nearest woman “…best laid plans o’ mice and men!”
Surprised, he wanders to the next bed. The man there was just getting going “…honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race!”
A young kid across the way joins in “Wi perfect scunner looks down wi sneering scornfu view!”

The doctor turns to his Scottish counterpart and declares “I’m glad you showed me the Psychiatric Ward last”

The Scottish doctors replies “O nae man, this is the Serious Burns Unit”


Well, at least he didn’t have to go to Southampton General during the time that it ran out of maternity staff. It had a midwife crisis.


Now that was a serious burn!!!


An oldie, but I haven’t seen it here before:

My brother is crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken. I’d do something about it, but we need the eggs.


What do you call a folk duo who only sing limericks?

Rymin’ and Garfunkel


:facepalm: @ghost8b8 is banned. Again.


Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He’s never going to give you Up


BANNED! (How many times have you been banned now?)


Q: What’s the first sign of madness?

A: Suggs walking up your driveway.


A: Our house, in the middle of our street


Q: How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

A: Wi’ jam in.


Oh, hell, @SleepyWill’s still on a roll.

I have to walk the dog now…I’ll be back tomorrow…


Customer: Please help, I just can’t fix my laptop. The propriety software that the vendor installed keeps playing Chasing Pavements over and over on loop and I cant stop it.

IT Guy: You what? What brand is it?

Customer: It’s A Dell.



(I do seriously have to walk my dog, I’ll be back later)


Worst Christmas present ever: a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.


Q: Why did KT Tunstall fall over unexpectedly?

A: It was suddenly icy

And I’m done!


I’m not done:

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face

I’m done.

EDIT: More than three consecutive replies are banned, so:

Two Beach Boys walk into a bar. “Round?” “Round.” “Get a round?” “I’ll get a round!”


Did you hear they found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and hazlenuts?

They determined it is Pharaoh Rocher.


I’m done banning @SleepyWill, it just encourages him.

@COMaestro, on the other hand, is banned forever.


This is not a joke, I just wanted to tell you this because my son thought I should.

A pub I visited in Portland, Oregon was called “The Crow Bar.” We both thought it was a clever name (I thought it was at the time, and he, when I told him about it many years later). It had a sign with a crow and a crowbar. In hindsight, I’m sure this isn’t an original name for a bar, but it struck me as funny at the time, and my son liked it too.