So what you’re saying, reading between the lines is that I should invent my own fish puns, not steal salmon else’s
Or maybe you just want really old jokes?
Ένας αθώος γράφει τη θέλησή του και ο ίδιος ο ίδιος ο κληρονόμος του.
(( A miser writes his will and names himself as his heir. ))
Immortals do this too.
A man is visiting his wife in the hospital. She’s been in a coma for a while now and as he sits there watching her chest rise and fall as she breathes he thinks “It’s been so long since we’ve touched…and there’s no one around…” He reaches out and touches her breast and she moans. He is so astonished that he gets the doctor and tells him “My wife just made a sound.” The doctor asks “What happened. Why do you think she made a noise?” The man embarrassedly tells they doctor what happened. The doctor says “Well just to be sure try it again.” The man touches his wife’s breast again and she moans once more and the doctor says “I have an idea. She is obviously able to sense your touch and that may be a solution of rouse your wife from her coma… I want you to try oral sex. I know this is a very sensitive matter so I will wait outside.” The doctor waits outside until the husband comes out of the room white as sheet. The doctor asks what happened. The husband says " I did what you asked but…" “Yes?” asks doctor. “Well…she choked.”
PS: welcome to the club @DogFace! You have been banned (you are not really banned), as have we all.
That, I think, was just on the edge of how racy we can get here. You painted the line, my friend, not to mention I literally (and I never confuse “literally” with “figuratively”), physically facepalmed.
There’s something about shaggy dog jokes like this that I love. I think it’s because I get invested in the characters, but then it all comes crashing down into a single punchline.
Well done. Banned
Thanks @MinuteWalt. Been reading through the past posts and I had been thinking for a day or so about if that joke was too racy or not before I posted it.
Two dogs sitting in the living room.
1st Dog: “Want to hear a good joke?”
2nd Dog: “Yeh, sure. Go for it.”
1st Dog: “Knock Kno…”
2nd Dog: “WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!”
At the zoo today, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Scot, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk. an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a nightclub.
The bouncer said, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’
Terrible spell of whether.
I saw a guy wearing a cape running down the High Street the other day.
“Are you a superhero?” I called out as he sped past me.
“No,” he said, “I haven’t paid for my haircut.”
Two regional newspapers have just started the serialisation of Dickens A tale of 2 cities.
It was The Bicester times and the Worcester times.
Walks away slowly a la Burce Banner at the end of the TV show
One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven”, said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules.” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in hell.”
So St.Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
“Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you’re staff.”
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So, you’re a man; that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replies: "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continues: “And look at this, here’s another miracle… My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait until the police arrive…”
Once there was a guy who loved tractors. They were his favorite thing in life, but he had never actually seen one, only looked at pictures. His lifetime goal was to see a tractor, but he thought that it would be impossible. He was wrong.
So one morning he wakes up to the honking of his tractor alarm clock. He gets out of his tractor bed, and puts his feet into his tractor slippers, and walks to the bathroom. He uses the tractor toilet, and washes his hands in the tractor sink with his tractor soap. Then he goes downstairs. He opens up his tractor cupboard and gets out a tractor bowl, a tractor spoon, and some cereal. Then he opens his tractor fridge and gets out some milk. He prepares his cereal and eats it at his tractor table. Then he washes the dishes in his tractor sink. He puts on his tractor shirt, tractor underwear, tractor pants, tractor socks, tractor shoes, and a tractor tie then brushes his teeth with a tractor toothbrush and then leaves for work.
When he comes home from work, he instantly takes off his tractor shoes. “It’s good to be back from that stupid fucking office job!” He murmurs. “I wish I could quit and become a farmer.” He walks to the tractor freezer and takes out some meatloaf. He puts it on a tractor plate, sits down on his tractor couch and eats while watching a tractor documentary. Then he drinks coffee from his tractor mug while reading his favorite newspaper, the Tractor Daily. It had articles talking about tractor colors, the right types of wheels and engines for your tractor, and who got a new tractor that day. He has no idea why it’s free! After he finishes, he goes upstairs and changes into his favorite tractor pajamas and gets into bed. He’s too tired to brush his teeth. As he snuggles under the covers with his tractor plushie, he dreams about seeing a real tractor.
This happens day after day after day. He’s getting really sick of this stupid boring life, and is aching for some change it arrives one night, as he’s reading the Tractor Daily on his tractor couch in his tractor pajamas. He’s flicking through boring article after boring article when suddenly he sees one that makes him stop. Apparently, on Saturday, there will be a tractor fair in his town, with real tractors! And that’s tomorrow! He immediately faints onto his tractor carpet. When he awakens, he does a little happy dance around the room. He goes and washes himself very carefully in his tractor tub with tractor soap and tractor shampoo and conditioner. When he’s done, he brushes his teeth with a tractor toothbrush and goes to sleep. That night, he dreams about the tractor fair.
It’s very early when he wakes up the next morning. It’s still dark outside as he brushes his hair and teeth over and over. When he’s done, he puts on his best tractor undies, and his best tractor shirt, and his best tractor pants, and his best tractor tie, and his best tractor shoes and socks, and his best tractor jacket. Then he runs downstairs and tries to eat some waffles, but he’s too excited to eat anything. He puts them in the tractor fridge for later, and goes out to his car. As he drives to the tractor fair, he listens to his favorite song, Tractoring Through Life. He finally gets there. It’s not even 8 yet, and the fair starts then. To kill time, he gets some coffee at a nearby cafe. Then he sees it. Only a couple of yards away. A REAL TRACTOR!!! He’s so excited! He runs over and starts to touch it, ignoring the do not touch sign. Then he starts to kiss it because no one else’s is there yet. Finally he decides: “Oh, why don’t i drive it? What’s the difference between driving a tractor and a car?” Turns out, a lot. By the time he manages to stop the tractor, he’s run over five people and has hit at least ten buildings. As he stands there getting fined by a cop, he says: “Tractors made me do this. From now on, I hate tractors!” Which is extremely stupid, because of what he’s wearing.
To drown his sorrows, he goes to a bar. As he drinks his third beer, these men come in smoking. Instantly, he inhales the smoke and spits it out the window. One asks incredulously: “How did you do that?” The man slurs: “Oh, I’m an ex-tractor fan!”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end . He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
Actually, you have yet to ban me. I checked.
Maybe I should try harder.
Credit goes to Drew Carey for this gem:
Two flies are on a piece of sh*t.
One fly cuts a fart.
The other says: “Hey! I’m eatin’ here!”
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3 AM.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s 3 AM. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
I think that we have all banned you in spirit, @CasparP
But just so it’s official, you are banned.
What kind? Rock, jazz, pop?