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Recipes for Disaster:The Cooking Sub-Forum


#22

philthD, that is magnificent.


#23
philthD, that is magnificent.

blushes a bashful thankyou


#24

Guacamole is easy. It’s always much better when you make it yourself than the awful, flavorless, green slime you get from restaurants and shops.

You want a couple-or-three of slightly over-ripe avocados. They should feel a little soft, and like the skin is kind of coming away from the flesh. If what’s available is too firm, keep them in a paper bag for a few days.

Also a lemon, or a couple of limes, or half of each. A clove or two (or three or seven) of garlic. A small-to-medium onion. A fat ripe plum tomato (or several sweet cherry tomatoes). A baby bell pepper. Salt, pepper, cumin. Fresh cilantro is good, too.

Using a sharp knife, gently circumnavigate the avocados from pole-to-pole (the middle of the blade just touching the pit (aka: stone) all the way around) to make 2 vertical halves. Twist it like opening a sideways soda bottle. Whichever half has the pit in it, smack the heel of your blade into the pit, and rotate the blade (again, like opening a sideways soda cap) to take the pit out. When taking the pit off the blade, be careful, because it will be slippery. Use a cloth or paper towel.

Glide your knife through the inside of the avocado halves, with the tip barely touching the inside of the skin, to make cross-hatches in the flesh. Then just pop the halves inside-out and drop the squares into a bowl (you may need a spoon to get any stubborn bits).

You can start mashing it now, and add your acid (lime/lemon) to help keep it from browning. Grab a fork, spoon, beater, or pestle and try to mash it up. It may get messy, and I have little advice for that. You’re on your own with this one. Maybe just try using your bare hands? It’s worked for me, kind of? You don’t have to mash it completely, it’s going to be an ongoing process.

Squishing your citrus out on it now will help make it easier (by adding liquid) and keep the avocado from turning brown. Adding course salt (like kosher, just enough to help you grind it up) will also retard browning.

Adding a couple of healthy pinches of cumin would be good too, with some twists from the pepper grinder. If you want to be extra awesome, dry-roast the cumin and pepper in a dry pan at medium heat until it just barely starts to smoke, shaking continuously. Whatever you decide, just squish it in.

Use a garlic press because it needs garlic now. All of it. Stir it up and try to squish it more.

Chop your onion very fine, also your baby bell pepper. Squish it in, but gently. Leave a little crunch. Seed your your tomato (cut it in half around the waist and stick your fingers in the chambers over the sink to squirt the seeds out), cut it medium-fine and stir it in, don’t squish it at all. You should be done with squishing by now.

It’s good now, but will be better in a few hours, or even the next day. Cover with plastic wrap so the wrap actually touches as much of the guac as possible to help keep it from oxidizing.

Last minute, if possible: Chiffonade some cilantro, and stir in less than you think it needs. Too much tastes like soap. Top with some zest from the citrus you used.


#25

the best thing about guac is the magical way putting the avocado stones into the mixture keeps it fresh for longer.

i once made an enormous bowl that tumbled from the worksurface spraying walls and floor and ceiling and furniture with green gloop it took me hours to clean, at which point i decided not to make it again, but @MinuteWalt is right, you should. (he is however wrong, too much coriander in anything is only theoretically acheivable)


#26
the best thing about guac is the magical way putting the avocado stones into the mixture keeps it fresh for longer.

i once made an enormous bowl that tumbled from the worksurface spraying walls and floor and ceiling and furniture with green gloop it took me hours to clean, at which point i decided not to make it again, but @MinuteWalt is right, you should. (he is however wrong, too much coriander in anything is only theoretically acheivable)

Coriander is one thing, cilantro is another. Seed vs. fresh leaf.

You’re right, coriander (seed/powder) is subtle enough it’s hard to over-do. If you want to dry-roast the cumin and pepper, do the coriander at the same time as well. But cilantro (fresh leaf) can taste like a bar of soap if there’s too much, while alternatively making the same dish really explode if done with some restraint.

I hadn’t tried keeping the stones in, lemon/lime seemed to work best, but I’ll try that next time, thanks for that!


#27

this is an atlantic thing - we use the same word for all parts of the plant, because we were taught the greek word by the french not the spanish.
although in fact, in the shops round me, the leaves are called coriander and the seeds dhania


#28

0o0 I didn’t know that!
The whole “separated by a common language” thing seems to pop up a lot, here.


#29
"it simply requires you to maillard"

Haha, this is a fantastic line!


#30

The most overrated overpriced salad of them all: the Wedge. I don’t remember when this became a trend (about 2012? 2011?) but it’s bollocks. Mid-end to high-end restaurants started doing this, and acting like it was a “thing” that was hip now, but what it really is is a cheap-as-dirt way to make a “salad” with almost no prep, labor cost, or expenses, yet they get to charge trendy prices.

Take a head of iceberg lettuce. Smack it hard on the counter, root-side down. This will actually sever the core from the outer leaves, you can just pull it right out. There will be some tender, bitter yet sweet core leaves attached to the root.

This is the “heart” of the lettuce. If you hate your friends so much that you’re serving them wedge salads, eat it right now, because you deserve it and they don’t. Otherwise chop it up to sprinkle on the salads later. If you hate pretending to cook, skip coring the lettuce heart out and move on to the next step.

Remove the floppy, gross, dark green outer leaves, and give them to a convenience store that sells sandwiches, because they can never get enough of those apparently.

Take the head of lettuce, and find the biggest, sharpest knife or cleaver you have, and carefully chop that sucker in half like a samurai. A sword would work, too, as would a machete, but please, safety first. Depending on the size of the head, then do it again to make quarters, sixths, or eighths. YOU ARE NOW DONE, LAZY SALAD MAN. YOU HAVE THE “SALADS” IN FRONT OF YOU. DO YOU FEEL HAPPY ABOUT YOURSELF?

I guess you could mince a tomato or two and dump it on the things. Sprinkle them with a load of bacon to make you think you’re eating something with nutritional value.

“Warm bacon dressing” (often quite sugary) is the trend, but have you ever heard of anything food-related that sounds more disgusting? It’s like the KFC Famous Bowl. Concentrated sadness.

Stick with bacon crumbles, minced tomato, maybe some shredded cheddar or grated parm/romano, and any generic salad dressing you want.

This whole stupid thing takes less than ten minutes, because it relies on the eater to carve up the wedge like a steak instead of the prep cook tearing it up properly, and it practically costs pennies for the ingredients, but some restaurants charge tens of moneys for this idiotic trend.

I am going to make one, and eat it, and overcharge myself for it right now.