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I have created new life! ... Oh shit, I'm a parent now


#1

So, this is a thread for talking about anything related to parenting and imminent parent status, semi sort of split from the “Just chat” thread. I’m thinking funny stories, worries, concerns, etc. You could even relate it to boardgaming, if you like.

I have an attention-craving 4 year old daughter, and newborn twins(!) I live in a foreign culture, speaking a foreign language, in a city with massively over-subscribed daycare, and have no relatives closer than a flight away. I have quite a lot to say about this topic.


"Oy!" "Wut?" Just chat
"Oy!" "Wut?" Just chat
#2

I have somehow (through massive oversight on the part of somebody) been sent home with a daughter; this incident occurred approximately 15 months ago and, still, I am in constant anticipation of a man in black knocking on my front door to rectify the situation.

In addition, my wife, not one to try something only once, is currently 20-ish weeks into growing a second tiny human. We will find out on Monday which flavor gender of tiny human child it is.


#3

I am a wizened old crone by comparison, as my babies are 12 and 9 (and nearly 13 and 10, lawd help me), and I’ve bounced a lot of friends bubbas on my knee and patted bottoms and burped infants of all types. I am always happy to help anyone in the ‘oh SHIT i have a human person of smallness’ stage of life because it was a lonely and frightening experience for me in many ways.


#4

My wife is 30 weeks into making our first child. I’ve been reading the ‘just chats’ topic with… interest, and look forward to being able to use phrases like;
Why is it black?
How did that get there?
What?!
Why aren’t you asleep?
Oh gods, why aren’t I asleep?
Ect.


#5

I have an 11yo daughter going through normal (mostly) 11yo girl things. You know, getting into middle school, eyes locked on her phone as often as possible, desperately eager to play the murderer / traitor / bad guy in any board game we play, the usual.


#6

I’ve got a 17 yo step-daughter, 6 yo daughter and 2-and-change yo son. All I have to say is that I’m really lucky that my wife runs a daycare because WOW is it pricey here.
I’ve pretty much given up hope of ever owning my own home but instead look forward to finding a reasonably priced 3-4 bedroom some place.


#7

Fortunately, both housing and daycare are relatively cheap here. Unfortunately, the houses are tiny (we have 2 bedrooms!) and this year we rolled low on the lottery to get a spot in daycare for our twins, so we have to wait a year and try again. Next year we get to add +4 to the roll, because my wife will applying as full time instead of part time, but we’ll also be rolling against ~10 times as many people for about the same number of openings…


#8

I’m so confused. So… what now?

“Okay kids, go play behind those dumpsters while mommy and daddy go to work. Try not to get stolen while we’re gone!”

My wife and I got really lucky that last year while trying to figure out daycare for our, then, newborn, a friend who had gone to University with my wife offered to nanny for us for practically nothing. Unfortunately, this past December, she moved even further away (now instead of 20 minutes she lives all the way across town which, in rush hour, would take about a 90 minute commute). We all agreed that it just didn’t make sense for her any more and she had a higher offer to nanny for somebody else. So now, instead of a nanny coming to our house every day for practically the cost of gas (more than that but not much), we had to figure out what else to do.

My wife is a public school teacher and, because we’re expecting our second child in July, has decided to resign after this year and stay at home as a full-time mom (instead of a full-time mom and a full-time teacher). With this in mind and knowing that the best daycares in the area have wait-lists, we tried to figure something else out to get us through until May. A really close friend of ours offered (out of the blue) to watch our daughter some but not all of the week and we were able to get my in-laws to fill in for those off-days. So, we again got lucky in that our good friend (who stays at home with her 4 year-old and her 1.5 yo, who is just a few months older than our daughter) was generous enough to pitch in and that my father in-law is retired so between him and my mother-in-law, they are able to keep up with our daughter two days a week. We’re paying the friend almost twice what we paid our nanny for just the 3 days a week she watches our daughter; we tried to negotiate with grandma and grandpa about what “was fair” and they refused to name a price, so we pay them a reasonable rate (but I’m pretty sure they are just putting it in my daughter’s 529 plan).

It’s all temporary until the summer when we welcome our next child and drop down to a single paycheck.


#9

Well, there are non-government-accredited daycare options, and while they aren’t insanely expensive, they have their own set of problems. One is that we are limited to places in walking distance - the only way to transport the twins is in a buggy or sling. The other is coordinating that with the oldest daughter who is in a government-accredited daycare, who is happy there, and who we don’t want to put through the upheaval of going to a different place, especially when it took long enough for her to settle down at the current one (she’s almost white, and has slightly wavy brown hair, so she gets a LOT of attention, and not in a way that she likes much).

So, we wait a year, and try our luck again. If we don’t get a spot, my wife will go back to work part-time, our oldest will lose the right to go to her current daycare (which is contingent on her mother being on maternity leave or working full-time), and hopefully we’ll get all three into a 10:00-15:00 non-government-accredited daycare.

We’re really hoping we win the “lottery” next year…

Oh, and I’m annoyed about the fact we didn’t get a place this year, because it probably means that other parents in the same boat as us applied as going back to work full-time (therefore more points than us), but have relatives around to pick up their zero-year-old babies at 15:00 (which is the latest you can leave zero-year-old babies), so they don’t need the daycare as much as us!

Your situation, while piecemeal and no doubt stressful, I’m kind of envious of. There’s just no way anyone Japanese would ever agree to look after another persons’ kid, unless it was their job and they were trained to do it.


#10

I wish you the best of luck!


#11

Yeeeeesh that sounds stressful.
My wife has a waiting list but it’s no uncommon for people to become and try and reserve a spot even before the kid is born, usually even going so far to as to put down a deposit.


#12

Hi, everyone. I’m Justin “MinuteWalt” Moore, and I have an 8 year old and a 22 year old.

I honestly thought that that my life was going to be working at some independent bookstore or something, and eventually dyeing alone (making t-shirts) and then dying alone. But things happen, and I now I have 2 kids.

One was born a girl, but we now know that he’s not a girl, and has become involved in the LGBT community (and won’t get a real job!). The other one is addicted to YouTube Let’s Plays, but when we wrest him away from that he likes real-time strategy games and cuddling while reading Shel Silverstein.

My trans son was not even listed in his senior high-school yearbook. We got the yearbook. No picture, not even a “picture not provided.” No mention at all. It made the local newspaper when we talked about it in a keynote speech at HMF.

There are things that can totally side-swipe you, while you are thinking about the now. Your kids should grow up to be more important than you, but the things they do will be weird and unexpected. The best you can do is support them and guide them, even if you don’t fully know where they’re going.


#13

Wait, are we all doing the confessional thing?

I, too, have a pair of miniature humans living in my house who look eerily like me. “Jet Valkyrie” is 5 and “Nick Soapdish” is damn near 2. (Been acting like a two-year-old for months now, the precocious little maniac.) For the time being, we’re assuming girl (JV) and boy (NS), but who knows? Most of the time we’re all at home, everyone’s assigned pretend identities with genders assigned more or less at random, as near as I can tell.

The dog is reliably a girl in pretend-land, but rarely a dog. I don’t get it, but I can roll with it.

As the current stay-at-home parent, I can assure you that this is a) the most exhausting job I’ve ever had (and I’ve had no shortage of manual-labor gigs) and b) shuttling the first one off to kindergarten was one of the greatest experiences, ever. The day I send them both away in the yellow school bus will be the most joyously squandered day of my life.


#14

Cool! No way i can not make a long post!
Okay so hubby @COMaestro n I have 2 kiddos who I will ever more refer to Batman (7) n Robin(5). I tend to use those monikers online, (I will get to why*) both our boys are both
Diagnosed autism spectrum disorder, (both by doctors and agreed by schools) limited and non verbal, sub diagnosis ADHD** with receptive and expressive language disorders. (What they hear gets jumbled, what they say gets jumbled)
And Batman is soy-dairy-gluten-egg- nuts intolerant robin just gluten n nuts.

That all said, our day to is not typical . they are pretty awesome, and they work so hard at therapy. We do celebrate their neurodiversity Their therapy and needs are my life, I just try not to think of student loans.
Half the time, regular kids stuff, but there have been times where hubby n I forget kids under 5 can even talk. Once Batman came up to me and asked “I want hmm hmm pictures” with no idea what hmm hmm was. Not the best day
*special needs kids can be targets for abuse, not using/limiting their names online is a protective tactic.
** there ADHD is common sub diagnosis, possiblely because asd kiddos have a lot of sensory needs that present as ADHD.
Any other ASD parents high 5?


#15

Ug, “mmm mmm pictures.” And the inevitable crying/tantrum when we “refused” to load up the pictures because we obviously didn’t love him when he “clearly” stated what he wanted.


#16

Ooh, tantrums.

I feel like I’m failing in some of my parenting goals. She’s obsessed with princesses, the Disney ones and the “pretty cure” Japanese variety, will only wear pink, gets unreasonably upset when her clothes get dirty, and threw a tantrum the other day when I explained she couldn’t wear a skirt to go sledding in the snow.

Societal conditioning is just that much stronger than one parents’ influence, I guess (wife couldn’t care less and probably on balance encourages her focus on appearance).

Still, you win some, you lose some. I’m not too hung up on this particular angle, but it’s hard to judge just how deep the conditioning goes. Japanese society is so very sexist and behind the times in so many ways, and constantly getting praise from all quarters based purely on how “cute” she is can’t be healthy in the long run.


#17

Hah! I can relate to this. Grandma has been the prince, and I’ve been a princess, and vice-versa, more times than I can count.

Beginning to get to the point of fixed genders though. She told me I couldn’t be “mama” the other day, and sometimes refuses to go into the “boys” toilets.


#18

Introduce her to Babymetal.


#19

I know, it’s like, “How did they get in my house?”


#20

Could be worse,
“How did you get the scizzors?!?”
Batman acting like “pff when you were getting Robin off the bookshelf I climbed on the stove then looked on top the fridge where you hid them-- not very well I not add-- now get me a squishy ball to cut up!”